Monday, March 07, 2005

Spring is here.

On Sunday, I went on a really nice outing with my dog to Elysian Park, and I got to see Red Shoulered Hawks doing it.

First, there were the calls, and a birding expert advised me to chill out and wait for the action. So I let Pac'a run around with his dogs and took a seat next to him on a pile of wood chips. Binoculars at the ready. After about five minutes, the female swooped in and perched on a tree near the nest she's been working on. The male came next and landed on a neighboring tree. He called out. As we waited another five minutes, the bird guy told me that the Red Shoulder's nest was temporary compared to the Red Tail's year-round nest over the ravine. The Red Shoulder's nest is flimsy and requires lots of patchwork. We had to put small talk aside when the female flew to her mate. The copulating lasted about five seconds, and it all happened so fast, I can't really recall enough to give a play-by-play of how they did it. Lots of prep work, don't you think?

Later, I had my toes done and I read the entire issue of April's Seventeen magazine. There was a short piece on flirting. The suggestions were lame. Hum the tune from an indirockband. He'll be impressed that you're into the same music he is. Too passive. What if he doesn't know the song? Why not sing a song you like out loud?

I am really good at flirting and mating, so let me tell you what works.

Wear clothes that fit well. At the very least, you will look like you are accepting of your body. At best, you'll seem confident about it. Like you know how to work it.

Smile. Every one of my friends has a great smile. Even my single friends for whom I am writing this post.

Make eye contact. If you look away or down all the time, you will appear disinterested. How can you expect someone to make a move when you act like you wouldn't want to move?

Be interested. Ask a lot of questions. It will stop you from making the mistake I often make -- talking too much out of nervousness. Even if it turns out that he or she is not your type, it's good practice for the future. Even if you're ambivalent, you can make someone feel good.

Say or do one little thing a little over the top. Wink. Not when you're talking face to face, but when you lock eyes from across a room or something. If you're at a party, give a kiss on the cheek before you leave. (Follow it up with a smile and eye contact.)

Don't flip your hair. Fake. Plus, women like me with unflippable hair will see you do it, and we'll hate you for it. Also, don't play with your hair. Gross. You need clean hands for food and whatnot.

Or refer to the lessons of the hawks and Seventeen Magazine.

4 Added Something:

Blogger cloudy quipped...

You flirt with me like that all the time and I will agree that it totally works.

Monday, March 07, 2005 9:14:00 AM  
Anonymous elijawonk quipped...

Worked on me. She left out her best move though: when you lean in to plant a kiss on her cheek, she does a last-second head turn and meets it with her lips. Very effective.

Monday, March 07, 2005 10:43:00 AM  
Blogger Dirty Dan Sin quipped...

Oh, I can help with this one!

1) make ass of self in every forum known to mankind

2) be luckiest son-of-bitch to walk earth. ever.

works for me.

Monday, March 07, 2005 11:08:00 AM  
Anonymous Greg quipped...

"Touch my monkey" works for me.

Monday, March 07, 2005 3:55:00 PM  

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