Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Sheff's Special Brother's Special Wish

[Editor's note: The views expressed in this post are shared by Big Sheff too. Except the part about a change to the consititution. I feel it is inevitible, and I don't want to die prematurely for the sins and stupidity of the masses. (Happy holy week!). Also for pain, I prefer opiates.]


Living Will

An unfortunate situation that has occurred in the past week has made me consider the morbid reality that faces all Americans. It now seems that if not officially documented, Congress, the courts, and even the President may intervene in personal family decisions pertaining to the “right to die” (or the “right to live” for all you radical Christians). It’s this new government interest in our private lives that has led to my decision to draft a living will. So, to avoid any potential government misunderstanding on my behalf I have decided to post this will for the world to witness.

Part 1. INFORMATION:

Name: Edward Paul Sheffield

D.O.B.: 2/13/1973

Sex: M

Allergies: none

Part 2. END-OF-LIFE DECISIONS:

I direct that my healthcare provider and others involved in my care provide treatment in accordance with the choices I have listed below.

I do not want my life to be prolonged if:

a.) I have an incurable and irreversible condition that will result in my death within a relatively short time.

b.) I become unconscious and after repeated attempts cannot be aggressively shaken awake.

c.) a constitutional amendment allows
Arnold Schwarzenegger to run for president.

Part 3. RELIEF FROM PAIN:

For the record, I DON’'T LIKE PAIN. Unless stated in the following, I direct that treatment for alleviation of pain or discomfort be provided:


At all times, even if it hastens my death

**Pain relief may include the following:

Pharmaceutical: don’t hold back on the good stuff

Medicinal: preferably anything chronic, dank, sticky-icky, or kind

Part 4. DONATION OF ORGANS AT DEATH

Upon my demise, I gift ALL portions of my body for discretionary usage. If needed, organs, tissue, or scraps can be used for:

a.) transplant

b.) cloning

c.) research and education

d.) soap

e.) sausage


Part 5. PROXY AGENTS

My entire family, all my friends, and anyone else reading this document is authorized to act on my behalf as an official agent to carry out these requests. My misfortune is now your guilt, sucker.

/s/ E. Sheffield

11 Added Something:

Blogger Dirty Dan Sin quipped...

the sausage clause shows that your heart is really in a good place...so giving.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005 11:55:00 AM  
Blogger cloudy quipped...

I am not sure if this is legal and binding, especially the soap made of organs, but it is a good first step.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005 11:56:00 AM  
Anonymous chuy quipped...

Edward Paul,

While it is a good first step, this living will is full of ambiguities that will serve to only complicate any decision regarding your life (or death).

In Part 2, you say you don't want your life prolonged if you have some 'condition' that will result in your death in a 'relatively short time.' What conditions? Short time? What, like 2-3 minutes, 2-3 hours, 2-3 weeks, 2-3 months? Who's time are we talking? In God's time, 2-3 thousands years is a short time. In section b you refer to being 'unconscious'? What does this mean? What constitutes aggressive? I mean, I like it aggressive, if you know what I mean. But what if, in shaking you 'aggressively,' I kill you (God forbid). Then what?? And when you say Arnold Schwarzenegger I am not clear who you mean. YOU NEED TO BE MORE SPECIFIC!! And to be fair, I'd take Ahnuld over many others running for Prez.

When you say "I don't like pain," I don't really understand what you mean. Like, you don't like ANY pain? Not even the pain that FEELS OH SOOOO GOOOD??? What about some light slapping? Nipple clamps?

In regards to your body parts, which you are giving away so freely, I would like to go ahead and call dibs on some DNA for cloning. I'd also like to call dibs on your brain, so that I might cryogenically freeze it for later use. The sooner I get your brain, the better.

Thanks.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005 2:11:00 PM  
Anonymous Chuy (aka xui) quipped...

Also, Ahnuld WILL run for president. But not to worry, he will be soundly defeated by Alec Baldwin. MARK MY WORDS!

Wednesday, March 23, 2005 2:25:00 PM  
Anonymous ed quipped...

it’s been brought to my attention that this document may not be entirely legal (soap, sausage, chronic and all…), but then again what is legal these days.

and for the record let it show that both Alec and Billy Baldwin are better suited for presidency than Arnold, however a President Stephen or Daniel Baldwin would be absolutely ridiculous.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005 5:37:00 PM  
Anonymous super ed quipped...

also for the record, Martin Sheen is more qualified than Emilio to run for president, but Emilio would be more KICK ASS, and Charlie is just sad and pathetic.

i’d vote for either of the Arquette sisters, but i prefer Patricia.

in addition, Naomi is the only Judd with legitimate talent-- i’d definitely vote for her, but none of the Calkin brothers should even consider running to the grocery store.

Lastly, Jermaine is the only member of the Jackson Family with any sense of reality, but I don’t recommend voting for any of those freaks.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005 5:42:00 PM  
Blogger cloudy quipped...

If your name is Jermaine & you name your kid Jermajesty, that is not showing a super strong sense of reality.

OK Ed, time to start your own weblog. I already have 556 signatures on the petition.

Thursday, March 24, 2005 10:44:00 AM  
Anonymous Chuy (aka xui) quipped...

add my name to the petition, making the grand total 557.5 (my signature is worth one and one half, word).

Thursday, March 24, 2005 10:48:00 AM  
Anonymous John Andrew Sheffield, Jr. quipped...

i wish my parents would name me Jermajesty

Thursday, March 24, 2005 11:13:00 AM  
Blogger Kathy quipped...

Chuy, I hope you read this again so you can answer my question.

If Ed were to start his own blog on the internets, would you continue to read mine?

Thursday, March 24, 2005 5:43:00 PM  
Anonymous chuy quipped...

Kathy,

I will read your blog regardless of what Ed does. If he starts a blog, as I and others think he should, I would still read your blog.

Faithfully,

Chuy

Thursday, March 24, 2005 6:14:00 PM  

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